MacGougan at Large

MacGougan-at-Large One Off

MACGOUGAN PASSES MENTAL COMPETENCY TEST!

You’re probably thinking this is some kind of trick headline. Maybe it wasn’t That MacGougan. Or maybe he Passed By the test on his way to somewhere else. 

But No. It was This MacGougan, and I did Pass. I was being evaluated because my wife and I recently signed up to join the “at home” version of a life care community. This basically means that - in exchange for a sack of money - we get to have access to long-term nursing care if we need it, but in the meanwhile I still get to mow my lawn. Everybody wins except my lawn, which I suspect might fare better under different management.

Before we could join, we needed to have our physical and mental health evaluated by professionals. Apparently, one sack of money is not going to be a good deal for them if one or both of us needs 24/7 skilled care starting tomorrow.

My wife was evaluated a month or two before I was. Undoubtedly one of the reasons I passed was that she was able to prep me for what to expect.

“They’re going to ask you what year it is.”

This was good to know, because I’ve gone a little soft in the What-Year-Is-It-Now Department. It used to be one of my specialties. In my prime, I was the Ken Jennings of What-Year-Is-It-Now. That was back in the days when I wrote a lot of checks, which was a good regular reminder of what year it was then. Now everything is auto-pay. So now all I have to go on are the signs on everybody’s lawns congratulating the elementary or middle school or high school graduating class of whatever year it is now.

“They’re going to ask you to draw a clock face showing a time they’ll specify. And not a digital clock. You’ll need to draw a long hand and a short hand.”

This was also good to know, because a clock face is something we all take for granted. I’ve seen demonstrations where they borrow somebody’s watch and then ask them questions about it. The owner, who probably looks at the thing dozens of times every day, can’t tell you if it has numbers, Roman numerals, or just dots. This seems to be true for everyone, so don’t be embarrassed if it happens to you. Although, if you have a watch, you might want to bone up on its face just in case.

Presented with a blank clock face, many people want to put the number One at the top of the circle. This approach will not end well. Pro Tip for those undergoing mental evaluation: At the top of the circle, put the number Twelve.

“They’re going to read off five random words and ask you to repeat them. Ten minutes later, they’ll ask you for the five words again.”

I was torn about how to prepare for this one. I thought about doing practice tests, but I was worried that practice words might get stuck in my head and compete for attention with the real test words. I was also worried that there could be a word like Lambent or Jejune that I ought to know the meaning of. I’d ask for it to be used in a sentence and meanwhile I’ll have missed the other four words.

Ultimately, I think the reason I passed is that they didn’t ask me the one question that stumps me several times each day: “Why did I just come into this room?”

Next: Notes on Birth Order