MacGougan at Large

Notes on My Dangerous Neighborhood - 8

Wood Chippers

I’m not a good judge of what constitutes a scary piece of machinery. I’m afraid of garbage disposals. I’m afraid of any electric fan with metal blades. I sometimes think that the tip of my shoe might get caught at the end of the escalator.

Still, I’m reasonably confident that we can all agree that the wood chipper - any wood chipper - is a scary piece of equipment. There’s the horrible noise, the voracious appetite, the swift and thorough destruction. There’s also the association with gruesome crimes - including a real case in Connecticut and various fictional examples, such as in the movie Fargo. 

Because there are a lot of trees in My Dangerous Neighborhood, we are regularly visited by wood chippers. Suddenly, the pretty, leafy neighborhood doesn’t seem so friendly anymore. It’s a bit like when the Dementors started hanging out around Hogwarts.

Recently, our neighbor had a few trees removed from a side yard. I had a good view of the process from our guest room, which functions as my study. It was all very interesting and photogenic until they got to the last step, which was to feed most of what they’d chopped down into a chipper.

The two woodsmen took turns hefting massive branches into the maw of the machine and pushing until the chipper had a strong enough hold to pull the rest of the branch in. Then they would disentangle themselves from the doomed branch to go fetch the next one. 

I couldn’t take my eyes off them because it looked so dangerous - particularly that “disentangle” step. 

The branch is being inexorably sucked into the Maw of Death and only NOW you’re getting around to detaching yourself from it? 

Sometimes things stick to you, right? Am I the only person in the world who has trouble getting a piece of dental floss to let go of my hand and drop into a trash basket? 

Happily, nothing bad happened. I was ready to be helpful. I was holding my phone and had already dialed 9 and 1 - but, even at that, it seems doubtful that help could have come in time.