MacGougan at Large

Notes on Cars - 5

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I have an odd phobia of anything that appears to be inexorably closing mechanical jaws. This may relate to cheesy science fiction programs I watched in my youth, but it may go back further. It’s possible that, when I was born, forceps were involved.

In any event, when I see an automated garage door descending, it looks to me a lot like the maw of a hungry monster that would dearly love to eat me. Yes, by code all those doors are supposed to have little electric eyes to tell the monster to hold up mid-chomp if they see anyone in harm’s way. Still, imagine for a moment that you’re a hungry monster. Just as you’re about to take a delicious bite of simpering human, some little gizmo tugs at your sleeve to say that a foreign object has been detected in the target area. Is that going to stop you? 

Over the years, I’ve learned to coexist with automated garage doors. It helps that I’m usually sitting safely inside a car when I see one of them chomping down. In recent years, however, more and more vehicles have their own automated doors. The liftgates at the back of SUVs and hatchbacks used to be opened and closed by human power, but now you hit a button or wave your foot under a bumper and the car itself becomes a hungry monster. 

Liftgates are actually scarier than garage doors because they close more quickly and quietly and you’re more likely to be reaching through at the critical moment. Also, I don’t see any electric eyes back there. So it’s probably only a matter of time before my famous willingness to help unload groceries from the back of our car results in my losing an extremity or two.